Title: Just a dream?
Author: soulmatejunkee 
Fandom: Queer as Folk US
Pairing: Brian/Justin
Timeline: Between 3.08 and 3.09
Word Count: 4.631
Disclaimer: I don’t own anything. It’s all CowLip and Showtime.
Beta: mander3swish - for the first half of the story *LOL* Every mistake you'll find, it's all mine!
Summary: This is a re-post. I just changed a little something. Now it's a little birthday-present for later2nite!





Brian's POV

I’m not an asshole. I’m not as bad as they think I am. I don’t blame anyone for thinking bad about me, but I admit it’s what I show everyone. I’m Brian Kinney: I’m cool, I’m successful, and I do whatever I want to do. But then… same goes for everyone, right? And sometimes… Karma’s a bitch!

It’s easier to be the one who’s doing whatever he wants to do without thinking about the consequences instead of being the one who has to deal with the consequences of someone else’s decisions.

I could change. Well, I could try, but I know I won’t. That’s my head.

I did change. Well, I tried not to, but I know I did. That’s my (fucking) heart.

I will never ask him about his reasons for coming back, for practically begging for another chance, for telling me that he knows what he can expect.

I don’t want to know the whole story. I don’t want to know what happened. The ring was gone and it seemed that the promises hadn’t been as strong as they were supposed to be. The perfect boyfriend he was looking for and thought he had found in the fiddler, had failed.

Why, how, and when… I don’t care.

I know he is still waiting to hear the words and I know he’s still a sucker for romance. One little word, a little promise, a little gift, a little sign... While he was gone I had thought about it. What if I had given him all of it?

What if I had been like a normal boyfriend was supposed to be?

What if I had been scared to death when he got bashed and all I could do was wait?

What if I had waited at the hospital every fucking night?

What if I had been so fucking nervous when he said “I want you inside me” that he could’ve felt my heart beating faster than normal?

What if I had stayed awake and waited for him until he came home?

What if I had celebrated his birthday?

See, I’m not that bad. I’m not an asshole. I’m just a fucking coward because I’m unable to tell him how I feel. I somehow expect him to know it. It’s like… feeling something so strong, so hurtful, so exciting and so desperately that I’m sure it’s obvious. And that’s where they see my asshole-attitude. Because I’m living in a “words aren’t necessary” universe. Because I think that actions speak louder than words. But yeah, that doesn’t work when someone is unable to see the feelings behind your actions and that’s when everything went wrong.

When he asked me “Did you miss me?” over and over and over again and I didn’t answer, didn’t say anything, but instead fucked him - hard - not tender, not romantic, not careful... not thankful.

When he waited for me and asked me to stay home with him to have a "romantic" picnic and I just left him there alone, without telling him the reasons, without asking if he’s okay.

The consequences were that he left me for someone who said all those things without being asked, for someone who was romantic, loving, and more open.

The consequences made me think that I should have talked a little more.

That’s what they don’t understand. They think I deny it, they think I don’t see it, don’t feel it, won’t admit it. They don’t know anything.

All they can see is the tricking, the drinking, the drugging... It’s all I show them.

I don’t deny it. I know what I want and what I feel. I might not always see the consequences coming, I might not always expect them to be so hard to handle, but I know what I feel. I mean, fuck them! I’m the one who feels it! Every morning, every day, every night.

They say it’s only an “I love you” – only. It’s not only - it’s everything. Well, it’s supposed to be everything. Sometimes it’s just like a needle that hurts you because you know it means nothing. It sounds cold and heartless, like something you don’t care about, and it makes you feel lonely, unlovable, and aimless. So you don’t want to hear it because you don’t believe it anymore, it doesn’t mean what it’s supposed to mean. As much as want to trust those words, as much as you want them to be true, you’ll always be proven wrong.

Sometimes it’s just an excuse, an apology. It works that way with Michael. Some nice words, a hug, a kiss, “Always have, always will” and he forgives me for practically everything. It’s not that I’m lying - I do love him, but it’s an easy way of loving.

The thing is… once say, you can’t take it back; you have to take the responsibility for it, you have to take the pity, the pain, the rejection. You can’t say “I love you” and then expect nothing to change. Not when I love you is supposed to mean “I’m in love with you, I want to be with you”. Then it’s a promise. People break that promise all the time as if it doesn’t mean anything, as if it doesn’t hurt, as if it doesn’t matter. So what does it mean when someone says it? Is it really something you should trust in? Something you should believe in?

It’s just another promise to break.

I agree with everybody who says, he deserves more than I can give him. But why do they blame me for that? I never asked him to stay in the first place.

But he did and he always came back. Just like this time.

He told me that he knows what he can expect from me. So, is he finally able to see it without hearing the words? Or did he just give up on it? And what would I prefer him to do? To read my mind or to have no expectations at all?

Here I am, tired. It’s late, very late. I can hear the cars on the street, I feel the duvet on my naked body and I know he’s here, right beside me, under the duvet. I know when I reach out to touch him, he’s there.

This time it’s for real. It’s not another weird moment when I can feel him, touch him, see him, and then open my eyes and he’s not there.

This time he is here.

So I reach out for him, but there’s nothing. I turn around, my eyes are open now, I’m awake and my heart beats too fast, it almost hurts. It’s dark. The streetlights and the moonlight are the only light I have. The bed beside me is empty.

But he was here, I know he was. He came here with me. Right after we fucked and kissed and came on my desk in my office. He smiled at me; he was happy, he cuddled against me, he kissed me, we fucked again... right here, in this bed. He was here... It was real, it was him.

I swallow and sit up to look around. No condom on the floor, nothing. But we used a condom, I always use condoms, and I fucked him, I know I did. He was here. Fuck!

Did he leave?

Was it just a dream?

Why would he leave?

It must have been real, I can still feel it, I remember every detail.

Where did he go?

I remember his hair, longer than the last time I touched it and so beautiful, so soft.

Did he leave because of him?

I remember his eyes, the look, the desire.

Did he miss him?

I remember his lips; he kissed me, my lips, my neck, my chest.

Was he thinking about him while he was with me?

I remember “He loves me. He said he only wants to be with me. That is more than you ever said.”

I close my eyes and take a deep breath. It still feels real. I look beside me again, the bed is still empty. There is still no condom on the floor and also no clothes. Just me in an empty bed, in a dark loft, in the middle of the night – it was just a fucking dream, again.

I shake my head and sigh. Fuck! Fuck the dreams, fuck the desire, fuck the regrets. I don’t do regrets. Fuck him for being in my head all the time! “Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!”

Justin's POV

It was dark. All I could hear were the cars on the street and only the lights outside brightened up the room. I sat on the sofa and stared into the darkness. It felt familiar and strange at the same time.

I was scared, but that was nothing new. Being with Brian was always scary because he is totally unpredictable. Normally I can handle that - I learned to handle it - but the situation was different now. I wasn’t the little naive kid anymore and he wasn’t the so-called cold-hearted stud from Liberty Avenue who didn't give a shit about anything and anyone.

Daphne’s plan to win him back was good in theory, but seeing Brian, talking to him and working with him was not so easy, especially not when all I could think was kiss me, kiss me or – even worse – fuck me, fuck me. And he’s not stupid. He knew why I was there – at least I think he did.

He saw me fucking that trick at Babylon two nights after I broke up with Ethan and I am sure he figured I wouldn’t do that if I was still in my romantic relationship – in a monogamous relationship. Well, I had been in a monogamous relationship, but Ethan - not so much. The trick I fucked that night in Babylon was just a fuck. I had been angry, pissed, and had tons of regrets, and admitting the truth to yourself was never fun.

I screwed things up. Yes, Ethan cheated, but even though I yelled at him and called him a liar, I actually yelled to myself, too. I cheated, too, and I lied, too, and then I left and then I blamed it all on Brian because it’s easier to blame someone else.

I was hurt and disappointed and I should have said it – loud and clear. I shouldn’t have sat there waiting for something that wasn’t supposed to happen, that’s not the way you get through to Brian Kinney. He’s not good with words. That’s probably why he prefers fucking. Being with him means having listen to everything, every single word in every single moment. If you do – and once I started to – you can hear everything he doesn’t say.

I remember the day I told him I got 1500 on my SATs and could easily chose a college anywhere I wanted to and he said “You’re going out of state?” – just a question. With anyone else it would be just small talk, but he wouldn’t ask something like that if he didn’t care if you leave or not. So it wasn’t just “You’re going out of state?” - it was But if you leave we won’t see each other anymore. That’s Brian Kinney. You have to listen to him. And I didn’t listen anymore; I was tired of listening, tired of trying to get to the bottom of everything he said. I wanted to hear it straight.

I hurt him. And what’s even worse … I wanted to. I wanted to hurt him to get what I wanted – him telling me that he loves me, wants me, needs me, and cares about me. I wanted to hurt him because I was hurt.

I knew he didn’t mean to hurt me and maybe if I hadn't been tired of trying to get to the bottom of everything it wouldn’t have hurt me so much. Really, who wants to celebrate his birthday with a hustler? And why didn’t he just tell me about Vangard and that he might lose his job instead of being an asshole? And why couldn’t he just spend one single night at home… just him and me?

Today I know his mistakes led into my mistakes, which then led into his mistakes again and we totally failed with communication. That’s not going to happen again. I won’t let that happen again. There are ways to get what you want – even from Brian Kinney. He might not say the words you want to hear, but his actions always speak louder than his words.

I know he loves me, otherwise he would have said “I don’t love you” – he’s maybe not able to admit feelings he has, but he hasn’t any problems to tell you what he doesn’t feel. And… he said “You’re never to play violin music in my presence again.”

I know he cares, otherwise he wouldn’t have said stuff like “I hope you get what you want” and “Where did you get the ring?” and “Maybe I was a little hard on you” and he wouldn’t have paid for my school again.

I know he wants me, otherwise he wouldn’t have stopped me from leaving the office and he wouldn’t have fallen into that kiss the way he did, which was the reason why I came back. It was all or nothing. And I won – for now.

We didn’t really talk. We kissed, we touched, and we fucked. So we did what we always did instead of talking, which made me a little nervous now. We had to talk about stuff, I had to talk about some stuff. Not instead of the kissing, touching and fucking, because – god – I missed that so much, more than I ever expected. He’s a great kisser, always passionate, so intense and his lips are so soft. But I need the talking, too.

After we kissed, touched and fucked in his office he asked me to come home with him. Home, he really said that. I knew he didn’t mean Come back home, but it sounded familiar and I fought really hard against the instinct to smile brighter than the sun when he said that. So I just nodded. Back at the loft we didn’t talk either. There was more kissing, touching and fucking coming up. He fell asleep after the third round… and I got scared.

“Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!”

I winced and jumped off the couch. It was still dark, no lights on. I went to the stairs that led to the bed and leaned against the doorframe. He was awake – obviously. He was sitting on his bed, eyes closed and he seemed to be angry. That scared me even more.

„Everything okay?“ I asked.

Now he winced and looked up, straight into my eyes. I swallowed. Sometimes I could read in his eyes, I could see what he feels, thinks and needs, but this time I didn’t see anything. He just looked somehow frightened and confused.

“Just a dream.” His voice broke a little. “A nightmare.”

Normally I was the one with the nightmares.

He stared at me, as if he couldn’t believe that I was really there. That was one of the reasons why I was scared. What if he wanted me to leave after we fucked? I didn’t live here anymore, this wasn’t my home anymore, I was just a guest. And guests normally didn’t stay after fucking. See, that is why I need to talk!

I decided to keep my game on. It was all or nothing. He wouldn’t ask me to move back in, but I also had no reason to expect that he wanted me to leave. After all, I’m Justin, not some nameless trick he picked up somewhere.

„Wanna talk about the nightmare?“ I asked and got over to the bed, knelt on it and smiled at him.

He still stared at me. He made me nervous. It was like he was thinking about something, but I couldn’t figure out what it was. Then he sighed, cleared his throat and shook his head.

„Why aren’t you in bed?“

I woke up and you were gone … I was this close to fell into the brightest smile the world had ever seen - again. Instead I just shrugged and played it cool. “I had to pee. And then I watched you sleep and when you stopped your snoring I thought you might have passed out, but… it came back.”

“I never snore.” His voice sounded really sharp.

“Of course not.” I couldn’t help smiling at him. Not as bright as I wanted to, but it was a happy smile. “Anyway, I got bored and so I cleaned up the room, put the clothes on the chair. Then I got thirsty and I didn’t want to wake you up, so I took me some water and sat on the couch.”

One look to the clock made me realize that I had done all of that in less than half an hour. Just twenty five minutes, they felt like an eternity.

“Ever thought about getting back to sleep?“ he asked me.

I wanted to draw him. Every night when I couldn’t sleep I draw. When I lived here I drew him. After I left I drew Ethan, especially when he was playing his violin, he was so passionate with doing it, I loved watching him and I loved drawing it. But when I woke up at night while Ethan was still sleeping I didn’t draw him or his violin. I guess every artist only has one real muse, something or someone he relates to, something or someone that always comes to his mind… when he’s lonely. I wasn’t alone in that nights, but sometimes I felt lost and lonely.

“I’m not really tired“, I said.

“You could have wake me up.“

Sure, I could have done that. I also could have tried to cuddle against him, maybe he would have let me do it. Sometimes he did. Sometimes he was the one who cuddled against me, but of course he was asleep when he was doing it, so I never mentioned it to him, I just enjoyed it when it happened. And I missed it. I missed the smell, the touch, the little sighs he was doing while he was sleeping – I missed him. I looked down and swallowed. “I was afraid you might tell me to leave, so I decided to stay and let you sleep.”

I know he hates it when I say things like that. For him it feels as if I want to corner him. He has to answer something, and he has to say something. Something he might not want to say or admit, because he’s afraid, too. Sometimes it’s necessary to corner him, but that wasn’t such a moment. And so I decided to help him.

“And I thought you might need your sleep, I mean… we fucked a lot and you’re not the youngest anymore, so…”

I was this close to say “You’re welcome” when I saw the relief in his eyes for letting him out of the corner, but instead I just laughed when he raised an eyebrow and pushed me down on the mattress. He looked into my eyes for a moment, he seemed a little insecure. Not typical for him. I mean, Brian is a very insecure person, but he never shows that.

“Wanna go to Babylon?”

I frowned. “Now? It’s almost three.”

“Tomorrow”, he answered. “Dancing… fucking, you know.”

Dancing, fucking, drinking, dancing again, maybe fucking again… it sounded like the best idea since months. Especially because I remembered my last try to get exactly that from him and now he offered it. “Can I be sure that tomorrow night you’re going to dance with me to the music that fills the void?”

He laughed at me, his fingers were touching my face. My heart was beating so loud, I was sure he could hear it. I love it when he smiles, a totally happy smile, not the forced typical I-have-to-smile-now-smile. “O, come on, I had to reject you. I couldn’t give in that easily.”

I admit that my visit at Babylon wasn’t a very smart move. I should have thought about it twice and I should have played it differently. But … why would I admit that? “As if you were strong enough to resist the temptation to fuck me.”

His fingers started to play with my hair. I think he liked the cut I had. It was longer now and in my opinion it made me look a little older. He kissed me softly while he laid half on top me. I could feel his skin, smell him and looked at him. Beautiful.

“You’re right, I’m weak.”

I missed those moments. And I could have slapped myself for not seeing it anymore. Him, laying on me, playing with my hair, looking into my eyes, having a soft smile on his lips… it happened so often and it always meant so much, how could I overlook it so easily?

My timing was probably not the best, but there were things we had to talk about. Even though he doesn’t like talking – as if it was something dangerous. But I’m a talker.

“I broke up with him, because he cheated on me”, I said out of the blue and rolled my eyes. “I know it’s pathetic. I did the same to you.”

He looked me in the eyes, the soft smile was gone, and he stopped playing with my hair. He nodded and rolled off of me. I felt cold, lonely, like I always felt when I wasn’t with him, but now he was here and I felt the same. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He maybe thought I wouldn’t be with him if Ethan wouldn’t have cheated on me. And maybe he was right. I have no doubt that sooner or later I would have tried to get him back, just because I missed him and just because I loved him. But I can’t say for how long I would have kept lying to myself if the cheating wouldn’t have happened.

“I saw him with the other guy, I asked him and he told me it was just a student. Later that night when I apologized for my distrust the so called student showed up with … a bunch of red roses.” I sighed. “Red roses. I mean, is there a bigger romance-cliché?”

I have no idea what he was thinking in that moment, but the second I said “a bunch of red roses” and “romance cliché” he swallowed, as if exactly that picture came to his mind in that moment. And I wouldn’t bet on it, but I thought for a second I saw a smile on his lips. Well, a smile was better than nothing, but I wanted him back on me. I still felt cold and lonely.

“I was pissed; I yelled at him, I was disappointed. Not because he cheated, but because he lied. That hurt. He looked me in the eyes and lied to me, with a smile on his face. And then he said that it was just one stupid mistake. And… he said, look how many times you forgave Brian.”

Brian cleared his throat. He didn’t look at me, he stared at the ceiling. He seemed a little nervous, like he always was when I corner him. I didn’t mean to do that. I just wanted to talk about what had happened.

“Well, he’s not totally wrong with that, isn’t he?” he said. He almost whispered.

“You never lied.”

“I did other things. I guess I could have done some things differently.” His voice was really nothing more than a whisper. I had to concentrate to hear him. “I was not a good… mh…”

I was looking at him and I saw him searching for the right word. Boyfriend? Partner? Lover? None of it was a word he normally uses. I guess I was allowed to smile at him, because it wasn’t me who cornered him, he did it himself. But of course I knew what he wanted to say and for the second time this night I decided to help him out.

“We both made mistakes”, I said.

“Guess so.”

“I told you I don’t want you to change, but then I expected you to. I guess I’m not as good as you are when it comes to distinguish between fucking a trick and fucking each other. I should have concentrate on what I wanted and not on what you did. And here’s the truth: I wasn’t angry about Ethan, I was angry about me. He lied to me, yes, but all I could think was, how stupid I was all the time. I lied to him, too and for a very long time and I lied to myself. I’m sorry.”

“Sorry…”

“…is bullshit, I know”, I nodded and moved closer to him. I put my hand on his chest, just to touch him and I could feel his heartbeat. “Bullshit is bullshit, I’m still sorry. I’m sorry I couldn’t see it anymore, sorry that I couldn’t see you anymore.”

“That’s a lot of sorry.”

“I have a lot of regrets.”

Now he looked at me. A few seconds he didn’t do anything, just looked at me. Then he put his hand on mine, on his chest. “I’m not angry.”

“But you are hurt”, I guessed.

He didn’t really answer to that. So I guess I was right. Most of time when he doesn’t object, it’s the truth.

“You did what you wanted to do, there’s nothing to regret”, he said. “Just because it didn’t turn out the way you expected it doesn’t mean it was wrong to do it.”

“Maybe”, I answered, leaned forward and kissed him softly, just happy to be right beside him. And he answered the kiss – a little. “But only because I wanted to do it, doesn’t mean it was the right thing to do.”

“You’re here now.”

I forgive you, let it go. I love him. Most people don’t understand why. And that means, I’m doing the right thing, because love is never something you have to understand. I smiled at him. He rolled me over so that he laid half on me again. Finally! Then he kissed me passionately and deeply and I moaned into his mouth. We were definitely up for round 4. Thank god we started our reunion on a Friday night.

He leaned his forehead against mine and sighed. “So, no red roses for you?”

As if he would ever even think about giving me flowers. “I prefer sunflowers.”

He laughed out loud and buried his face in my neck. “Talking about clichés, Sunshine?”

I wrapped my legs around him to hold him close. I could have easily coming up with more romantic clichés, like golden gardenias, flowers for lovers who were meant to be, flowers that make sure that a love lasts forever. But I thought it would be too much to handle for him in that moment, so I decided to concentrate on round 4. “Well, Mr. Kinney.”

“Well, Taylor.”

“Now that I’m here, can I stay?”

He looked up and raised an eyebrow. “Don’t expect breakfast in bed.”

“Huh, maybe you want to think that over”, I answered and pushed my hips against his. “Remember, you love to eat me in bed and… to feed me in bed.”

I’m sure I made my point clear. He raised an eyebrow and smiled at me. “Fuck.”

Thank god, you’re back. Now I smiled the brightest smile the world had ever seen.